Breathe

I couldn’t breathe. I look around me and see nothing, and then I realized I’m in the water. I’m drowning. I tried to swim but failed. I flailed my arms but it’s no use. The water is pulling me down, no; someone is pulling my feet down. I kicked it but the hand’s grip is so hard. I screamed for help but there is no sound came out from my mouth, but still I flailed my arms desperate for some air. I don’t even know if I’m crying or not. Maybe this is it; maybe it’s my time to go. So I let the darkness and the water swallow me but then a strong hand embraced me and I heard a word or maybe it’s just my imagination or my mind is messing up with me because I’m dying. But no, I really heard it and there is it, I heard it again a single word. Breathe.

I open my eyes and gulp for air. It’s just a dream. A nightmare. It’s the first time I had a nightmare. Beads of sweat were formed in my forehead and I wipe it with the back my hand. Trying to calm myself, I close my eyes and inhaled the familiar scent of my room. I opened my eyes and look in to the alarm clock and its just 5:04am.  It’s still early; I haven’t remembered the time I woke up early like this.

I found my phone on the night stand. I opened it and there are 4 messages and 2 missed calls from Blake.

“Hey, you’re still up?”

“It’s almost midnight.”
“You know what it means?”

“Happy Anniversary! I love you”

Oh my God! Oh my God! It’s our anniversary! I almost forgot because of my nightmare. Forget that stupid freaking nightmare, no one can ruin this day for me. I’ve been anticipating this day for the past days. I texted him back before I went to bathroom and get ready for school.

In the hallway, Kate, my best friend found me. She and I are like sisters, she knows everything about me and I know everything about her. Like literally everything. We have the same class for the next two hours; I have a class with Blake later this afternoon, the only class we shared.

The last three hours is blurry. I’ve been anticipating lunch the whole morning because I haven’t seen Blake. But then when I was in the cafeteria, there is no sign of Blake in our usual spot. Kate saw me and she beckoned me to come over. I put down my food and seat beside her. I asked if she’d seen Blake but she said no. I asked Blake’s friends if they know where he is but they all said they don’t know either.

I texted him, asking where he is. His reply came immediately, saying he can’t come to school today, there are some things he needs to do. He said he’ll just see me later this evening. I guess he’s busy preparing a surprise for me. Well that’s something I’ll look forward.

The rest of the day is blurry and my excitement is palpable. I gave Kate a ride and we went to mall to buy my present for Blake.  We were headed to Kate’s house when Blake texted me saying he’ll pick me up at 6 for dinner. I dropped Kate at her house and I immediately rushed home.

Back home, I already pulled out all my dresses and laid them on my bed and I haven’t chosen any of them. Then I remembered the dress that Blake gave to me when it’s my birthday. I haven’t worn it since then, tonight I’m gonna wear it. I check my phone if Blake called or texted me but there is none and the clock reads 5:14pm. I have less than an hour to prepare. Great.

I am applying my mascara when I heard the knock downstairs. I immediately finish what I am doing, grab my present for Blake and put it in my bag and headed downstairs. The knock comes again. My mother is already making her way to the door and I told her I got it. I did a final glance to the mirror before opening the door and mom mouthed you’re gorgeous and smiled before heading back to the kitchen. I smiled and opened the door. There, standing in the doorway is Alex, Blake’s younger brother. My smile almost fades but I still manage to maintain it.

“So, Blake can’t make it on our date so he sent you here and take me to dinner instead. Right?” I meant it as joke but Alex is looking anywhere but me.

“Let me guess. He’s still preparing for our dinner and you came here just to stall. Hmm?” Still Alex remained silent still not looking to me.

“Don’t tell…” I started say but Alex cut me off.

“Kyla.” The intensity of his voice made me stop and finally, he finally meets my eyes and I noticed that his eyes are bloodshot. Immediately I have a negative feeling and I shivered. Whatever he’s going to say is definitely not a good thing. Suddenly I don’t want him to talk so I said, “You know…” but he cuts me off again making me nervous.

“There’s been an accident” he started, “Blake is standing beside his car when a drunk driver hit him. Before the paramedics arrive he’s already gone. H-he’s dead. I’m so-sorry Kyla.” He’s voice break and I know he’s about to cry but I couldn’t see him, my vision is glassy because of the tears in my eyes. He started to say something again but I’m not listening anymore.

I take a step backward, first my hands tremble, and then my knees are shaking then suddenly my whole body trembles. The tears kept coming from my eyes but I don’t even realize I’m crying. I’m about to fall and I know it; I wait for the impact but miraculously someone caught me. There are voices around me but I couldn’t make them out.

All I’m thinking are times when Blake and I together. How he tilt his head back when he laugh, his lopsided smile, his shy smile when he say something sweet, the way his cheeks turns red when he’s blushing, the way he hug me behind, the way he trace small circle at the small of my back, the way he pout when he’s thinking, and everything about him.

No, this can’t be true. Blake never broke his promises to me. There has to be a mistake. I tried to stand but my feet won’t move, they seemed to be frozen. So I stay there on the floor, crying and I hear someone whispering in my ear but they’re not soothing me. Someone hug me and I immediately recognize the familiar smell, sweet lilac and vanilla, my mom’s scent. I tried to hug her back but my I can’t move my hands. But still the tears are kept streaming down and I haven’t calmed down yet, it feels like I’m in my dream again. Drowning.

Then there’s the hand pulling me down, this time I didn’t bother to fight it, I let it pulled me through the deepness of the water. And then someone is telling me to breathe but this time I didn’t listen to it, instead I let the darkness swallow me. Then there’s just darkness, darkness and darkness and then there is nothing.



Photo Courtesy: https://intimacywithjesus.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/drowning-girl-sea-water-favim-com-112419.jpg

Life

In the dictionary it stated there that life is state of being alive (manifested by growth, reproduction, etc.). But for me, life is simply living with your love ones including family and friends. They are my life. I can’t imagine what life is if I’m not with my love ones. And my life isn’t complete without them. Maybe some people don’t understand why I defined life as simple as that. It’s because I so love those people and I always feel safe if I’m with them. Time stops ticking and the world stops spinning when we’re all laughing, enjoying or hang outing. I can feel serenity, calmness and peacefulness of mind.

 Life is not about living your own; it’s about living with your love ones, family and friends. I can say that I am not lucky to have them, I am blessed.

Life is full of challenges and my studies are one or part of those challenges in my life. My future life depends on my studies right now. Some people define their life miserable because they can’t face the challenges. They defined their life miserable when they were down, when they were frustrated and when they were devastated. Facing the reality of life is the real life.

We have our own definition of what life is but every individual has its own understanding and perception about life. And this is how I define life.







Photo Courtesy: static.ddmcdn.com/gif/what-is-life-660.jpg

The Promise Forever

I am waitng for you.

I keep on waiting, hoping that one day you'd come.

I am right here in our favourite place, sitting, and wondering where you are.

I could see the old us under the oak tree where we carved our name.

We were talking.

We were smiling.

We were laughing.

We were chasing each other.

We were happy.

I could see you there under the oak tree as you are carve our names.

And I could hear you saying,

"It will remain here forever as I'll be on your side forever. I love you."

Then we kissed.

It's like watching a movie.

So close yet so far.

So real yet so sad.

So vivid yet so distant.

The white clouds are now turning to purple bruise and the birds are flying home.

The old us looked up, watching the daylight fades.

Then you put your arms around me like a blanket and we remain like that as the last light of the sun fades out.

The old me thought it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.

And the best part is, you wrapping your arms around me and it feels like the softest quilt.

I watched as the old us packed their things, went to your truck and went home.

It's getting late and you haven't showed up.

Stars are starting to appear joining the lone moon.

I look up, staring at the stars as they twinkle to life.

I thought a tear escaped from my eye but when I tried to wipe it there's none.

I guess, I'll be back tomorrow again but I need to do one last thing.

To visit one more place.

I hope I'll find you in that place waiting for me.

So I went to your grave.

It wasn't there.

So I went back to mine.

FIREWORKS

Into the night sky that is so dark.

Flying and hitting their mark.

Turning the dark sky into a stunning view.

Leaving the audience staring in awe.

They burst into a hundred pieces.

Spreading colors in the sky.

Blue, red, green, purple, gold and silver.

Like a colorful group of fireflies gliding over the lake.

They dance and jump to one another.

Mixing their beautiful hues to each other.

Creating a beautiful art.

Like a painting in mart.

Photo Courtesy: http://www.bunniebuzz.com/uploads/events/o_FIREWORKS_facebook.jpg/original.jpg

Where Are You?

I miss you so bad.

I haven't heard a word from you since our fight. You're not replying to my messages. I tried to call you but your phone is not ringing. Maybe you've changed your number?

No, you'd tell me if you did.

I haven't seen you for a very long time. You're not at school. You're not even around. Maybe you've transferred to other school?

No, you don't want to leave me.

I stalked your social media accounts but found nothing. Did you deactivated all your accounts?

Where are you?

I went to visit your house. I knocked on your front door but no one answered. Maybe you moved out?

No, your car is in the garage. I call your name again and again but silence answered me.

Where are you?

Are you hiding from me or from the world?

You disappeared like a puff of smoke.

Maybe you're still mad at me.

I just want to see you, talk to you and say sorry.

Where are you?

So I decided to write you a letter instead.

I went to the post-office to send the letter to you.

But the post-office said they cannot deliver the letter.

I asked why.

And they answered,

"We can't deliver to cemeteries."

The Color of Death

"She was once a beautiful flower until a wrong person picked her."

Diamonds are lights.
Like the light in her eyes when she's happy.

Fire is spark.
Like the sparkles in her smile.

Birds chirping is music.
Like the sound of her laugh.

Iron is silver.
Like the silver necklace around her neck.

The sun is yellow.
Like the yellow blonde hair of hers.

Ash is grey.
Like the color of a duct tape.

Ring is gold.
Like the gold color of a plastic rope.

Sunset is purple.
Like the purple bruise on her arms.

Wedding gown is white.
Like the color of her face when it runs out of blood.

Roses are red.
Like the blood that pools behind her head.

Violets are blue.
Like the color of her lips and nails.

Winter is cold.
Like her body lying on the floor.

Night is dark and dark is black.
Night is comforting but death is also dark as black.


Photo Courtesy : http://img14.deviantart.net/4f27/i/2005/271/8/d/dead_girl__by_bomag.jpg

Perception of Fear

You're not scared of the dark.

You're scared of what's in it.

You're not scared of what's in the dark.

You're scared of having no one else in the dark.

You're not afraid to fail.

You're afraid people will think you as a failure.

You're not afraid if people will think you as a failure.

You're afraid people will be disapppointed on you.

You're not afraid of heights.

You're afraid of falling.

You're not afraid of falling.

You're afraid no one will catch you.

You're not afraid of the people around you.

You're afraid of rejection.

You're not afraid of rejection.

You're afraid of being alone.

Your're not afraid of trusting people.

You're afraid of letting them in.

You're not afraid of letting them in.

You're afraid they won't understand you.

You're not afraid of love.

You're afraid of not loving back.

You're not afraid of not loving back.

You're afraid your heart will break.

You're not afraid of death.

You're afraid to die.

You're not afraid to die.

You're afraid when.

You're not afraid of trying again.

You're afraid of getting hurt for the same reason all over again.

You're not afraid of getting hurt for the same reason all over again.

You're afraid of committing a mistake.

Photo Courtesy: https://associationofchronos.files.wordpress.com/2014/10/woman-falling4.jpg