Breathe

I couldn’t breathe. I look around me and see nothing, and then I realized I’m in the water. I’m drowning. I tried to swim but failed. I flailed my arms but it’s no use. The water is pulling me down, no; someone is pulling my feet down. I kicked it but the hand’s grip is so hard. I screamed for help but there is no sound came out from my mouth, but still I flailed my arms desperate for some air. I don’t even know if I’m crying or not. Maybe this is it; maybe it’s my time to go. So I let the darkness and the water swallow me but then a strong hand embraced me and I heard a word or maybe it’s just my imagination or my mind is messing up with me because I’m dying. But no, I really heard it and there is it, I heard it again a single word. Breathe.

I open my eyes and gulp for air. It’s just a dream. A nightmare. It’s the first time I had a nightmare. Beads of sweat were formed in my forehead and I wipe it with the back my hand. Trying to calm myself, I close my eyes and inhaled the familiar scent of my room. I opened my eyes and look in to the alarm clock and its just 5:04am.  It’s still early; I haven’t remembered the time I woke up early like this.

I found my phone on the night stand. I opened it and there are 4 messages and 2 missed calls from Blake.

“Hey, you’re still up?”

“It’s almost midnight.”
“You know what it means?”

“Happy Anniversary! I love you”

Oh my God! Oh my God! It’s our anniversary! I almost forgot because of my nightmare. Forget that stupid freaking nightmare, no one can ruin this day for me. I’ve been anticipating this day for the past days. I texted him back before I went to bathroom and get ready for school.

In the hallway, Kate, my best friend found me. She and I are like sisters, she knows everything about me and I know everything about her. Like literally everything. We have the same class for the next two hours; I have a class with Blake later this afternoon, the only class we shared.

The last three hours is blurry. I’ve been anticipating lunch the whole morning because I haven’t seen Blake. But then when I was in the cafeteria, there is no sign of Blake in our usual spot. Kate saw me and she beckoned me to come over. I put down my food and seat beside her. I asked if she’d seen Blake but she said no. I asked Blake’s friends if they know where he is but they all said they don’t know either.

I texted him, asking where he is. His reply came immediately, saying he can’t come to school today, there are some things he needs to do. He said he’ll just see me later this evening. I guess he’s busy preparing a surprise for me. Well that’s something I’ll look forward.

The rest of the day is blurry and my excitement is palpable. I gave Kate a ride and we went to mall to buy my present for Blake.  We were headed to Kate’s house when Blake texted me saying he’ll pick me up at 6 for dinner. I dropped Kate at her house and I immediately rushed home.

Back home, I already pulled out all my dresses and laid them on my bed and I haven’t chosen any of them. Then I remembered the dress that Blake gave to me when it’s my birthday. I haven’t worn it since then, tonight I’m gonna wear it. I check my phone if Blake called or texted me but there is none and the clock reads 5:14pm. I have less than an hour to prepare. Great.

I am applying my mascara when I heard the knock downstairs. I immediately finish what I am doing, grab my present for Blake and put it in my bag and headed downstairs. The knock comes again. My mother is already making her way to the door and I told her I got it. I did a final glance to the mirror before opening the door and mom mouthed you’re gorgeous and smiled before heading back to the kitchen. I smiled and opened the door. There, standing in the doorway is Alex, Blake’s younger brother. My smile almost fades but I still manage to maintain it.

“So, Blake can’t make it on our date so he sent you here and take me to dinner instead. Right?” I meant it as joke but Alex is looking anywhere but me.

“Let me guess. He’s still preparing for our dinner and you came here just to stall. Hmm?” Still Alex remained silent still not looking to me.

“Don’t tell…” I started say but Alex cut me off.

“Kyla.” The intensity of his voice made me stop and finally, he finally meets my eyes and I noticed that his eyes are bloodshot. Immediately I have a negative feeling and I shivered. Whatever he’s going to say is definitely not a good thing. Suddenly I don’t want him to talk so I said, “You know…” but he cuts me off again making me nervous.

“There’s been an accident” he started, “Blake is standing beside his car when a drunk driver hit him. Before the paramedics arrive he’s already gone. H-he’s dead. I’m so-sorry Kyla.” He’s voice break and I know he’s about to cry but I couldn’t see him, my vision is glassy because of the tears in my eyes. He started to say something again but I’m not listening anymore.

I take a step backward, first my hands tremble, and then my knees are shaking then suddenly my whole body trembles. The tears kept coming from my eyes but I don’t even realize I’m crying. I’m about to fall and I know it; I wait for the impact but miraculously someone caught me. There are voices around me but I couldn’t make them out.

All I’m thinking are times when Blake and I together. How he tilt his head back when he laugh, his lopsided smile, his shy smile when he say something sweet, the way his cheeks turns red when he’s blushing, the way he hug me behind, the way he trace small circle at the small of my back, the way he pout when he’s thinking, and everything about him.

No, this can’t be true. Blake never broke his promises to me. There has to be a mistake. I tried to stand but my feet won’t move, they seemed to be frozen. So I stay there on the floor, crying and I hear someone whispering in my ear but they’re not soothing me. Someone hug me and I immediately recognize the familiar smell, sweet lilac and vanilla, my mom’s scent. I tried to hug her back but my I can’t move my hands. But still the tears are kept streaming down and I haven’t calmed down yet, it feels like I’m in my dream again. Drowning.

Then there’s the hand pulling me down, this time I didn’t bother to fight it, I let it pulled me through the deepness of the water. And then someone is telling me to breathe but this time I didn’t listen to it, instead I let the darkness swallow me. Then there’s just darkness, darkness and darkness and then there is nothing.



Photo Courtesy: https://intimacywithjesus.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/drowning-girl-sea-water-favim-com-112419.jpg